Walk Journals ~ September 6 (True Confessions)

Confession Number 1:  When I stepped off the porch for my keep fit walk tonight my mouth was full of maple walnut fudge that I bought at the beach yesterday.

Struggling these days--struggling a lot.  I'm on a slippery slope and no one knows it better than me.  So many set backs ... emotional stuff in mid-summer, vacation eating mode all summer, little or no food journaling. Excuses, excuses, excuses.  Then the sciatic issue that started last week.  Okay, so pain is a valid excuse.  For not working out--not for over-eating.  I've eased up a bit on myself since I'm in a decent place weight-wise.  The health crises and urgency of last year are gone and so, it seems, is part of the motivation.  But I'm not in the place I want to be and I'm wondering why I could get up at 4:30 AM this time last year and why 6 AM is now a struggle; why I could get two walks in a day this time last year and one a day is now a struggle; why I journaled every bite this time last year (and weighed and measured them too) and making good choices is now a struggle.  I have no answers.

I love this picture from tonight.  I'm surprised that little box measured a pedestrian at all.  Especially a pedestrian who was so  ... well, pedestrian.  I wish my "speed" was "7."  7 miles an hour?  I did get slightly above 4 mph for a while earlier this year.  I think I was doing 4 miles in about 52 minutes.  

I dragged myself over to Cedar Lake in the fading light tonight.  It was chilly and people over there had either chimmineas going or their fire places were already getting a workout.  I love a twilight walk ... it's so relaxing at the end of the day.  With the sciatic pain (not as bad this week as last week), I've been forced to slow down.  Not so good for the workout, but really good for the soul.  Listening to music and letting my thoughts wander all over the place (more rambling) is a good way to ultimately get myself organized.       

Tonight I'm thinking about both yesterday at the beach and the wild ride that was my day at work.  It's amazing that how in the space of less than 48 hours one can be gloriously relaxed and completely reveling in being "alone in a crowd" and then so completely crazed that it's ultimately impossible to move in any productive direction.   Yesterday I sat in a beach chair from noon until about 6 PM, moving off the beach only to indulge in my favorite new shore food for lunch:  fish tacos.  I half-napped while waves of conversations floated around me.  Have you ever noticed that on the beach?  You're outside with loads of people around and waves crashing and gulls making a racket but if you close your eyes, conversations tune themselves in like stations on a radio.  Then your stream of consciousness takes hold ... I wonder, for example, what led the young woman on my right, snuggling close to a young man, to mention that "eyeballs are mostly composed of some sort of gel."  She needs a lesson in romantic chat, I think to myself.  

Then behind me the inevitable:

Big kid:  You can't use my shovel.

Little kid:  You're not using it.

BK:  Mom! Tell him he can't use my shovel.

Mom:  You're not using it.

You can see where that's headed and there's really no way for anyone to come out a winner.  And I wondered why they decided to sit so close to me when the beach wasn't really crowded.  I've done my time with kids on the beach.

I decided to trespass on the right of way on the east side of the lake.  These lake communities are private properties for residents only.  Denville has several of them.  Tiny ponds and pools of water that folks in New Jersey refer to as lakes that anywhere else might not even be worthy of a name.  But they're delightful and I've become accustomed to these small lakes and take advantage of the pretty views as often as I can.  Tonight I'm inspired by this still life of a fishing rod and bits of tackle on the bench next to the shore line of a tiny "inlet."  If I was a teacher, it would be next week's writing prompt for my class.  There wasn't a soul in sight.  Who left it behind?  Was it a child, called home to dinner?  An absent-minded older fellow?  Will he or she be back to retrieve it?  Must I walk this way tomorrow to find out?  Do I care that much?  ... probably not ...

Since it's Friday, I try not to dwell on work too much but it's impossible to ignore the fact that it's been the most unsettling school opening for me in the 13 school openings I've had.  Everything is going really well but new layers (and layers and layers) of security are tough to get used to and create more work for the office; the school bus company that won the bid this year is unresponsive to our transportation person; people have resigned, all for very good reasons but it's remarkable that we've lost so many in such a short period of time.  I'm happy for all who've moved on to bigger and better things but geez ... at the end of the summer/start of the year?  I wanted to try and find my desk before I left today but the fire alarm went off.  Only the after-care program and a couple of administrators and I were around ... Teachers:  do not bring your old toaster ovens to the teachers' room.  Do us all a favor and get new ones for your space at school.  It was a wacky week for a first week back with holidays on both Monday and Thursday.  Next week ... hoping for normal.

Rambling on and trying to pick up speed as I've unwittingly dressed all in black and the shadows are closing in quickly.  I'm going to need to get out of these neighborhood roads and back onto the main road with the safety of sidewalks.  Obviously though, no one's told these guys that is not safe to play in the street.  Just up from the beach, these two are not the least bit concerned about the cars that can't get past them from two directions at the intersection where three roads come together.  Or they are just enjoying the fact that I'm taking lots of pictures.  Finally I shoo them along so the car-bound folks can continue on their way.  I'd have stood there all night watching them watch me ... but folks in cars always seem to be in a hurry ... and ultimately, it's just another excuse for not moving.

I'm going to have to find my way back to that resolve I had last fall and get serious again.  I'm hoping this nerve business moves along quickly because it's easy to make excuses for less exercise--that slippery slope that leads to other poor decisions.  I'm in a pretty good place right now but I know how all that can change.  I really can't let that happen ... I gave away all the large-size (make that extra-extra large) clothes.

Tonight:  5 miles.  Not bad.  Not great but I'll take it.  I'll ramble more tomorrow.

Confession Number 2:  I'm drinking a glass of wine and enjoying a chocolate chip muffin as I write.

~

Playlist for a Friday night:

WPLJ with my favorite radio guy Ralphie Aversa.  Until he cues up Imagine Dragons' Radioactive ... can't for the life of me figure out why that song is successsful ...

and so ... I turn up Gavin DeGraw, Sweeter Live.