Vocabulary Confessions

I passed a big milestone this week.  My 1-year fanniversary.  Yes, that's a word.  At least in the world of fangirl fandoms, it's a word.

                    fangirl n. what you might call a groupie, but that's because you don't really 
                    understand.  Audiences for Maroon 5 concerts are packed with hundreds of 
                    fangirls.

                    fangirling v. spending the evening seeing your favorite artist(s).  Tonight I will 
                    be fangirling with some of my friends at a Bruno Mars concert.

                    fandom n. all the collective fans, but not a fan club.  Justin Bieber may think he 
                    has the best fandom in all the world, but he is mistaken.

                    fanniversary n. the date on which you first became a fan.  April 3.

Okay, now that we've had our vocabulary lesson, I confess it is true:  My fanniversary is April 3.  April 3, 2012, to be exact, was the first time I saw Gavin DeGraw. Ever.  On Dancing with the Stars.  He wasn't singing because, as you know, that show is about dancing.  But I shall back up a little.  I'm not that into DWTS but just about everyone I work with is, so last spring I decided to tune in on week 2 to see what all the fuss was about.  Pro dancer + I wanna be a star is what I'd always thought of that show.  But there was Gladys Knight, who's always been a star where I come from.  And a couple of other folks I recognized.  I always loved Jack Wagner--ever since I planned my class schedule around General Hospital.  Melissa Gilbert AKA Half Pint.  So I settled in.  This was sort of entertaining.  It was okay; I wasn't bored.  Enter Gavin DeGraw.  I had no clue who he was.  Is he a wanna be, I thought?  I'd never heard of him.

But if you know me you know that I actually had been living under the proverbial rock--for about 15 or so years.  Caught up in single motherhood, double jobs, volunteer commitments, chaperoning, keeping up with home duties, driving, driving, driving ...  I'd been listening to not much on the radio since country music had departed New York 15 or so long years before.  April 3, 2012: the night I came out from under the rock.

That self-deprecating, winsome attitude.  The generosity.  Okay and that smile.  A fangirl was born without even hearing the first note out of his mouth.  And despite his less than perfect dancing.  

Order the music.  Check.  Order concert tickets.  Check.  Plan vacation time around appearances.  Check.  Join fan club.  Check (and yes, those still exist too).  Follow on Twitter.  Check.  Give up television for YouTube.  Check (well okay, not entirely).  Meet the man.  Check and double check.

As the music opened my life back up to possibility, joy came flooding back in.  

Let It Go is from the second album.  Those three words had been my goal for a decade.  Somehow I could never let the past go.  Let It Go.  Put down the guilt and shame and anger and despair and worry.  I was driving when I heard that song for the first time.  I had to pull into a parking lot, I was crying so hard.  Those three words are the most powerful words in my lexicon.

Sometimes the only way is jumping. I hope you're not afraid of heights.  That's a line from a song called Meaning.  I had been afraid of heights.  But I have jumped.  And it's okay.  Jumped into a new way of being in the world.  Jumped into the light.  Jumped at chances.  Jumping just for joy.  There is dancing at my house now.

What you want and what you need are never the same.  Boy does that resonate.  I thought I knew what I wanted but now I know what I need:  really good food, no end to the music and dancing, my friends--new and old, my family.

So this man I've met twice for a total of about 30 seconds changed me forever--or maybe it's that he helped me find me again--I haven't figured out which.  In either case, I think I'll be grateful to him forever.  I hope he never stops making music.  Ever.


Hail to the light that my baby watches me
In the darkness of the window
I can hardly get to sleep
Wish for the hour that
The nighttime soon shall pass
And the morning dew will bring us
To a day our souls can last

Love has a reason
There's a meaning to the world
We're giving love

Situation candlelight
Enough to see the bits around you
But it's never very bright
Stare at a memory
You, through the grapevine, heard the truth
It's good to learn from your mistakes
But that only works in youth

Love has a reason
There's a meaning to the world 
We're giving love

Restless minds; curtain calls follow fanfares
Troubled hearts; just a walk down the hall
Restless hearts; you take a punch just to land one
Troubled minds; it's only fair after all

Mounting, the trail, but you've got it in sight
Sometimes the only way is jumping
I hope you're not afraid of heights
Reach in my pocket for a bill that isn't there
And to face all of the undoings
Still isn't more than I can bear

Love has a reason
There's a meaning to the world
We're giving love
Giving love
Love, love
It's always been good to me
It's always been good to me

Love has reason
There's a meaning to the world
We're giving love

~Gavin DeGraw, Meaning