Sunday, January 18, 2015

Rink






For John.



I was a French major in college.  I was also a Music major.  I don't recommend double majoring to anyone; I'm not sure I got really good at either thing.  That's a story for another time ... And I digress.  Again.

One of the classics we read, of course, was Marcel Proust's À la recherche du temps perdu, or In Search of Lost Time.  It's not the easiest book to tackle in English, let alone in French.  I'm pretty sure there were Cliff Notes involved back then.  About the only thing I remember is the iconic passage of the book, that sets the stage for the rest of the storytelling, when the narrator indulges in the simple act of enjoying a madeleine (a cake-like cookie) and tea.  This prompts a flood of memories that unfold in the rest of the book.  Or something like that.  The madeleine was the trigger for a cascade of memories for him.


It was Saturday and I went for a walk in the cold but brilliant afternoon.  It was really a beautiful day and I opted for a slightly longer route than I'd been doing lately.  I headed over to Cedar Lake.  As the road turned toward the water, I could see boys skating behind the houses.  One sat on a dock, donning his skates.  There were nets and hockey sticks.  That was my "madeleine."

I grew up in Canada in a typical post-war subdivision neighborhood of mostly small ranch houses.  They were good times with lots of children and our most immediate neighbors were all families with similarly aged kids.  We grew up together until my family moved to New Jersey.  We played complicated games outside, using our imaginations to act out stories and we had lots of traditional outdoor toys.  We'd jump rope for hours.  There was a cherry tree in our back yard and in the summer, we'd move the jungle gym to beneath it and sit up high and eat enough cherries to spoil our dinners.  And in the winter, we skated.

It would have to snow enough and stay cold enough but if the conditions were right, our parents would bank up the snow in our backyards and use the hose to spray the area.  It took several night of spraying to build up ice thick enough to skate on.  

As I walked along with my thoughts shooting back over the decades, I came upon another space on the ice, cleared for skating.  I would pass by several more on my long walk through the lake.  It occurred to me how easy these parents had it.  The lakes here in town are small.  Many are man-made so not very deep.  They freeze pretty well all the way across.  We threw a fun skating party one New Year's Day when my ex-husband and I lived on one of them, many moons ago, before kids.  When the conditions are right, the ice is smooth and glassy without the need for hoses.

Now I wonder ... how did our parents stand out there, in the freezing cold, many nights in a row tending to those little rinks.  Because after a half a dozen or so kids skate on the little ovals, they'd need to sprayed down again.  No such thing as a backyard Zamboni.  Just dads in boots and hats with the hose in their gloved hands.  I think my mom took a lot of those shifts too and I'm sure it was she who shoveled the lawn into the shape of an ice rink and banked up the sides while my dad was at work.

I walked along, remembering all the fun we had.  I can recall playing "crack the whip" with the strongest skater at the front of the line, pulling the rest of us behind.  He'd take a sudden, sharp turn and we'd all let go and let the force of the turn send us flying across the ice.  There must have been some hockey going on but I can't picture it.  But hockey was played year 'round, ice or no ice, so there must have been.

Our parents took turns hosting these skating evenings.  That way, the ice that wasn't being used could be undergoing the respraying process.  The moms would make pitchers and pitchers of hot chocolate.  They would sit together in conversation, watching us whirl around.  I'm sure we must have been out there on school nights.  You wouldn't know how long the ice would last.  A huge snowfall or a couple warmish days in a row would doom your smooth sheets of  glassiness to pocked and cracked messes that were really impossible to bring back to their former usefulness.   You had to skate while the skating was good.

I bet we were actually not out there all that long--especially if it was a school night.  Our moms bundled us up to the enth degree, laced up our skates tightly, put mittens over mittens and tied our scarves in the back.  Then they'd make the hot chocolate.  It seems in my childhood memories as if we were out under the stars for a long time.  But I bet it was only an hour (or maybe even less).  What a lot of work it must have been for our folks.  

How idyllic were those winters ... Where I lived in southern Ontario, there could be a lot of snow ... or not.  My lakes (Erie and St. Clair) didn't really freeze--maybe in patches along the shoreline.  But those are lakes.  Real lakes.  The Detroit River used to freeze all the way across back when my parents were children.  That was before the river was deepened for the freighters that carry every sort of cargo you can imagine from Lake Superior all the way out through the St. Lawrence River.  I remember skating to school on one day after it rained and froze over the snow.  We skated there in the morning but walked home for lunch after the sun warmed up the lawns.  

There was no such thing as a "snow day."  We went to school in every kind of weather.  One year, there was so much snow on the roof of the gym that it collapsed under the weight.  No one was in it at the time, thank goodness.  But no one closed the school either.  We didn't have gym class while we waited for the repairs to be made.  We just went along with whatever the weather dealt us.

All these thoughts came rushing up from some deep well as I walked along under the brilliant blue sky.  How lucky we were ... simpler times with simple pleasures that our parents made happen.  We were blissfully secure in our neighborhood of families who were up for hours of frozen fun in the winter and porch sitting and catching fire flies in the summer.  Talk about being privileged.  It was pretty close to perfect.

The ice.  Those rinks.  Madeleines. 

Saturday, January 17, 2015

O.P.

O.P.  On Program.

That what they called it when I attended Weight Watchers meetings during this slow journey (with ever so many detours) back to healthy living.  On Program.  Working the Program.  In other words, following the guidelines, journaling your food and exercise, making good decisions and being accountable for what you eat.

 O.P.

It also mean Off Program.

So essentially I've been O.P. or  O.P. for about 10 years, I think.  I lost 40 pounds the first go 'round on program.  I can't recall now what caused me to go off program but in the ensuing 5 years or so I'd go back On and Off and lose a few, gain a lot.  Classic.  Then I put myself in the care of a bariatric doctor but that involved shakes twice a day which didn't work for me at all--I need real food--plus she was quite ... well, mean.  Eventually I went back to WW but when my preferred meeting shut down and I'd heard everything they teach for the third time, I switched over to the electronic version where I've been either O.P. or O.P. for the last five years.  And yes, you still pay even when you don't attend meetings.  You're still getting the program.

In 2014 I struggled to stay on program.  Having been within 7 pounds of my goal (read: having lost over 100 pounds), a variety of circumstances (read: excuses) caused me to gain about half of that back, most in the last six months.  You see, intellectually I know how to work the program to stay on program and I'm really, really good at it when I'm on.  But when I'm off, I revert to the excuse-making, fast food junkie that let herself go in the first, second and third places.

It's hard to stay On Program.  I'm pretty busy ... cooking for one isn't always fun ... a bunch of arthritis crept in my joints, seemingly overnight, making exercise shaky.  Then there's stress.  I'm one of those people who can revert to "eating" or "feeding" the stress in a nano second.   I understand all my triggers; I know how I feel when living O.P., either way:  sluggish, depressed, temporarily fed or energetic, light-hearted and fully fed.  And both are choices.

The key is choosing.

And so, like many of you, this new year month of January, I'm choosing to live On Program again.  And, as I've experienced before, it's already working.  I'm as determined or more as I've ever been.  I wish I knew for sure whether I'm going to be able to go all the way this time.  I don't.  Just as with other addictions, the only thing I can do is take each day, one at a time.  But if I keep that in mind, that the only thing I have to do each day is stay On Program for that day or that meal, it seems doable.  Measurable goals.  Small steps.  Realizing that this continual struggle of my adulthood is likely to be life-long feels insurmountable; but recognizing that I don't have to deal with anything other than the day (or meal) before me makes the struggle somehow, not easier really, but less scary.

So, if, like me, you're resolving to get be your best self this year, I wish all success for you; be gentle with yourself and realize that every subsequent choice is a chance to get it right, whatever that means for you.  We've got this.  One day, one meal, at a time.

~~~

My go-to On Program playlist (because I couldn't do this without music):

Gavin DeGraw - Everything Will Change
Sara Bareilles - Brave
NKOTB - Remix (I Like The) ... don't judge me ... she owns it in this video and I love that.
Andry Grammer - Lunatic

Weight Watchers.  Your own real food, not out of a box or packet.  Check eTools here.