O.P.

O.P.  On Program.

That what they called it when I attended Weight Watchers meetings during this slow journey (with ever so many detours) back to healthy living.  On Program.  Working the Program.  In other words, following the guidelines, journaling your food and exercise, making good decisions and being accountable for what you eat.

 O.P.

It also mean Off Program.

So essentially I've been O.P. or  O.P. for about 10 years, I think.  I lost 40 pounds the first go 'round on program.  I can't recall now what caused me to go off program but in the ensuing 5 years or so I'd go back On and Off and lose a few, gain a lot.  Classic.  Then I put myself in the care of a bariatric doctor but that involved shakes twice a day which didn't work for me at all--I need real food--plus she was quite ... well, mean.  Eventually I went back to WW but when my preferred meeting shut down and I'd heard everything they teach for the third time, I switched over to the electronic version where I've been either O.P. or O.P. for the last five years.  And yes, you still pay even when you don't attend meetings.  You're still getting the program.

In 2014 I struggled to stay on program.  Having been within 7 pounds of my goal (read: having lost over 100 pounds), a variety of circumstances (read: excuses) caused me to gain about half of that back, most in the last six months.  You see, intellectually I know how to work the program to stay on program and I'm really, really good at it when I'm on.  But when I'm off, I revert to the excuse-making, fast food junkie that let herself go in the first, second and third places.

It's hard to stay On Program.  I'm pretty busy ... cooking for one isn't always fun ... a bunch of arthritis crept in my joints, seemingly overnight, making exercise shaky.  Then there's stress.  I'm one of those people who can revert to "eating" or "feeding" the stress in a nano second.   I understand all my triggers; I know how I feel when living O.P., either way:  sluggish, depressed, temporarily fed or energetic, light-hearted and fully fed.  And both are choices.

The key is choosing.

And so, like many of you, this new year month of January, I'm choosing to live On Program again.  And, as I've experienced before, it's already working.  I'm as determined or more as I've ever been.  I wish I knew for sure whether I'm going to be able to go all the way this time.  I don't.  Just as with other addictions, the only thing I can do is take each day, one at a time.  But if I keep that in mind, that the only thing I have to do each day is stay On Program for that day or that meal, it seems doable.  Measurable goals.  Small steps.  Realizing that this continual struggle of my adulthood is likely to be life-long feels insurmountable; but recognizing that I don't have to deal with anything other than the day (or meal) before me makes the struggle somehow, not easier really, but less scary.

So, if, like me, you're resolving to get be your best self this year, I wish all success for you; be gentle with yourself and realize that every subsequent choice is a chance to get it right, whatever that means for you.  We've got this.  One day, one meal, at a time.

~~~

My go-to On Program playlist (because I couldn't do this without music):

Gavin DeGraw - Everything Will Change
Sara Bareilles - Brave
NKOTB - Remix (I Like The) ... don't judge me ... she owns it in this video and I love that.
Andry Grammer - Lunatic

Weight Watchers.  Your own real food, not out of a box or packet.  Check eTools here.

New Year With Friends

So ... sometimes rhymes just pop into my head ... almost always they have a Seuss-like cadence to them.  Or maybe it's Hallmarkish?

For those for whom I had addresses, I sent this in a card.  But I wanted to share it with all my new friends ... Happy new year; I'm so glad we've met.  You all know who you are.  And if this expresses a sentiment you can identify with and we've not yet connected, I hope we do some day.  Soon.

On Making New Friends

The year comes to a close,

I don’t want it to end.

So many memories,

So many friends.

We’ve loved all the music

From Cape Cod to Cali

And points in between;

Too many to tally.

It’s Gavin we know

Who brings us together

In long lines and front rows

In all kinds of weather.

I treasure you all

And the times that we’ve had

Whether in person, on twitter

On facebook, IG just a tad.

I wish you health and happiness

In the year just ahead.

I wish us all music,

I wish our souls fed.

I thank Gavin DeGraw,

His band and his crew.

I’m forever grateful;

Through him, I’ve met you.

Looking Back/Looking Forward

That's how January got it's name, right?  The god, Janus, looks forward and back at the same time.  He's the god of transitions, gates and passages.  He must then, also be the god of New Year's Eve, since we're given to looking back back and ahead tonight.

Here's what I'm grateful for at the end of this year:

• Continued good health and being very close to goal.
• My fantastic family.
• Enjoying the work I do and those with whom I work.
• Having time for volunteering in my community.
• My local friends and my friends around the country and beyond.
• Fun short trips for family, fun and friends.
• Days at the beach.
• Live music.  (So spoiled in that department.)
• My Girl Scout family.

I had only one resolution this year and I've come so close to it that I think I have to say I was successful.  Discounting the holiday weight gain that I know I can readily rid myself of within a week or so, I'm about 15 pounds away from my weight loss goal.  It's been a interesting journey of finding out why and how I make decisions about what to eat, when, where and how often.  Not every day went according to plan but I learned this year that all decisions I make I can own and that a day off the plan doesn't mean the plan is a failure or wrong or diminished.  It's just that day's decisions and I can return to the plan with the very next decision.  Food decisions.  They don't have to be my curse.

There are things I'm happy to say good-bye to this year as well but they are so few and, at the end of the day (or year), so inconsequential they don't bear listing.

Success make you feel bold.  I had one goal last year and since achieving it (pretty well) gave me some energy and impetus, there are more goals for next year:

• Continue on the healthy path and do some strength training.
• Spend more time in the garden.
• Spend some time at the piano.  (Must get it tuned and refurbished first, however.)
• Spend more time at the beach.
• Organize my personal stuff.
• Stick to the savings plan.

So there you go, Janus.  A little bit of looking back and ahead.  The gate to 2014 is open.