In fact, most people think I don't have a problem any more. I'm getting a lot of "you're done now, right?" and "you don't need to lose any more; you don't want to get too skinny." I think it's interesting that people never said to my face how overweight I was and believe me, I was. Everyone is too polite for that. It's interesting that those same people now feel free to voice their opinions about my weight now. They don't know how much I weigh. They only see how I look.
This journey is not just about how I look. It's about how I feel now. It's about my health. It's about having energy and confidence. It's about be able to sit on the floor and maybe teach Godly Play again. It's about hiking up and down hills with my girl scouts. It's about working in my garden. It's about being able to lace up my sneakers. Literally. I am now able to do that. It's about long walks that clear my head to make room for getting other things accomplished.
I have an eating problem. I manage it so much better now but every once in a while it still manages to manage me. Like today.
I've had a couple of busy weeks. A couple of trips to New York to hang out, concert fun in Point Pleasant, family stuff, Memorial Day parading. This weekend included Friday night through Sunday morning camping with my girl scouts, heading to the Mayo PAC for Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, dinner out with my son and Governor Christie*, and coming home to an enormous problem to be solved on a Sunday night for work.
I'm tired. You can't be tired and maintain the amount of strength necessary for this eating battle that I wage on a meal-by-meal and snack-by-snack basis. I've raided my boss's candy bowl which I have successfully walked past every day for a year to a ridiculous degree the last two workdays. I ordered pizza for dinner tonight even though there are better choices in my 'fridge. I had three hot dogs at camp. There could be more confessions here but we get the point. I haven't been on the scale since Thursday but I'll get on it tomorrow and I know I'm going to be angry and disappointed with myself.
I know what my triggers are ... Nervous me eats. Tired me eats. Depressed me eats. Worried me eats. Partying me eats. Drinks too. And doesn't stop. Because ordering a cheeseburger isn't the worst thing in the world. Unless it's preceded by a cheesy appetizer of some sort and followed by a cake and ice cream dessert of some sort.
Time to get back on track. When I write it here, I have some success. Sending my thoughts out to cyberworld makes me feel accountable in some way. I have no idea why that should be so because this is a rather anonymous and ethereal conversation. After all, I have no idea who, if anyone is seeing this. But however it does, it does work for me.
And if you know me, trust me. I know what I'm doing and I know why I'm doing it. There's no danger of my getting too thin. I'm in regular discussions with my doctor and only recently finally achieved normal BMI for my height and age. I'm within the normal range which is to say I could go lower if I want to and still be in that normal range. It's not helpful to tell me I can eat anything I want. Of course I can't. I have a problem. You wouldn't tell an alcoholic he or she could have a drink if he or she wanted one. You'd tell them to stay strong. Food addicted people need the same support. It's a hard road. It's not like a person can give up eating entirely the way an alcoholic can give up drinking entirely. Or a smoker can give up smoking. We all need to eat. For a food addicted person with emotional triggers it's like constantly living on the proverbial slippery slope. Don't tell me not to eat something that may not be the best choice either. It's my choice. I chose to give in to my weaknesses the last week. Tomorrow I choose to get back on track. You can support me by not judging--the good days or the bad days. These are my choices to make.
I'm living my life the best way I know how now. I may get off track from time to time. But now I know I can get back on track if I choose, too. And I do choose. It's my life to lead and these are my choices to make.
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PS Thank you Weight Watchers eTools! You are an awesome support. I could never have come this far (107 pounds) without you.
*Had dinner last night at my favorite restaurant on the planet, Urban Table in Morristown. Governor Chris Christie lives a couple of towns over from Morristown in the other direction from me. We were seated at the table just next to his. The entire room was really respecting his private time with his family which was wonderful to see. Although I agree with almost nothing that he alleges he's accomplished, I strongly believe in public figures' right to privacy even while out in public. And since this is a weight-loss journal tonight and the world knows that my governor also struggles with weight (about the only place where he and I connect), he was making awesome choices for his eating plan too ...
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