Random Nightmares . . .

The big one: Flooding

The new one:  Bathing Suits

And I should probably end it right there because, if you know me ... well, that about sums the last 24 hours up right there. 

Aftermath:  The water recedes and you start cleaning.
And removing all that was ruined.  Eventually most of the
lawn was covered with the accumulation of a lifetime of  "stuff."

Nightmare #1.  It's been raining for over 24 hours and while I've been totally reconciled for years to my neighborhood's flooding from time to time, ever since Hurricane Irene (we, who lived it, did not downgrade it to a tropical storm) in 2011, I've been pretty skittish every time it rains for more than 4 or 5 hours.  It doesn't take a hurricane for our river (The Rockaway River) to overflow and for the groundwater that flows invisibly below our homes and to the river to rise up, invading houses, garages, cars and streets.  

And so, I'll try to fall asleep tonight but it will only be a half-sleep.  When the weather is threatening I sleep with my body weirdly tuned to the sump pumps two stories below me.  If they begin to pump, I'll be fully awake in an instant, ready to move what I can to higher floors.  Because, you see, people who continue to live in flood-prone areas are an optimistic breed.  We build it back and try not to think that it could ever happen again.

What I do when I'm nervous (now that I'm not eating my nervousness):  shop. Being nervous about Nightmare #1 led to ...

Nightmare #2:  Shopping. It's time to buy a Bathing Suit.  I have not been in a bathing suit for probably over twenty years.  When I started to put on weight, I started wearing shorts and tee shirts to the beach.  I'm not crazy about being in the ocean anyway (having grown up in the Great Lakes, I can't get used to the salty powerful waves of the mid-Atlantic).  A lot of time has passed and I want to spend time at the beach this summer.  A bathing suit would seem appropriate and I can wear one now.  I think I can wear one now.  If I can figure out how to buy one.  A lot has changed apparently in twenty years.  It's not just 1-piece and bikini any more.  There are separate tops and bottoms to mix and match now and hundreds of styles. It's like buying a whole outfit.  Top, bottom, matching cover-up.  It's complicated and stressful.

And clearly, I'm not completely used to the new me.  I looked at dozens of options and couldn't imagine myself in any of them.  Couldn't imagine daring to be that exposed even though I'll be at the beach by myself in all likelihood and no one will be really looking at me.  Couldn't imagine anything with so little fabric actually fitting me.  Couldn't bring myself to try even one on.

Nightmares.